Peoples hearts are locked up, sealed up tight. It takes so much effort and patience to get through to their actual heart that once you do, you wonder why you wanted to. The heart is not a pretty picture we paint in fairy tales. It is full of raging emotions, piling secrets and unresolved past affairs. Love, pure love, is like the Earths’ core. It is the very center but underneath the raging hot mantle and thick crust. Above that (typically the honeymoon stage) is a beautiful Earth full of color in fields of flowers and skies of sunrise and sunset shades. That stage is lovely and bright. Everybody enjoys that stage. Although, that layer is only the top layer. You cannot love just the top layer. You must delve deeper, past the mess, the crust, the molten goo. You must deal with the hard stuff if you expect to see what that heart truly is like and then you will know if you love the whole heart (or person).
I have many layers to myself. The top layer is easy to like. I am a free spirited being, happy and positive, with lots of love to give. I enjoy helping and taking care of others. I have a deep passion for many things. Throughout my life Ive always helped others. Be it on a volunteer basis, learning in school or professional training. This is easy to lay out and present. Yes, I have all these years of trainings and service and giving. But, thats my top layer.
Now, after hitting 40 and having been through some relationships, I have learned a lot in life. What doesn’t break you, makes you. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Building strength and walls is another form of learning as we go. In my case, I have built up many walls that take a lot to break through. The reason? Time and time again, I let my soft heart get the best of me and a mans promise and sweet touch and tender kiss can get through a wall or two. But, it never fails, in the end, I end up alone. They see the true me, even if I was trying to be honest all along, they kept promising they are different. You lay your fears out and they act like its nothing. Yet when faced with the core of me, nobody can handle it. Then even some of my best traits that they loved become annoying to them. Why are you so positive all the time? Well, I decided to be that way. This doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, Im not sick and I haven’t been treated like garbage over and over. This doesn’t mean I haven’t had a rough life and was even brought back from the bring of death numerous time. This doesn’t mean I haven’t lost everything I owned multiple times and still, at 40, I don’t own enough to fill a house.
I choose to smile, to laugh, to appreciate. I choose to be as happy as can be and be positive. I choose not to be grumpy and complain about every pain. I just hope when I die, that somebody seen that, somewhere. See who I choose to be and not what Ive always been around or what you’d expect me to be.
See the real me. My Core. ❤