Why is love so hard?

pexels-photo-843231.jpeg     Peoples hearts are locked up, sealed up tight. It takes so much effort and patience to get through to their actual heart that once you do, you wonder why you wanted to. The heart is not a pretty picture we paint in fairy tales. It is full of raging emotions, piling secrets and unresolved past affairs. Love, pure love, is like the Earths’ core. It is the very center but underneath the raging hot mantle and thick crust. Above that (typically the honeymoon stage) is a beautiful Earth full of color in fields of flowers and skies of sunrise and sunset shades. That stage is lovely and bright. Everybody enjoys that stage. Although, that layer is only the top layer. You cannot love just the top layer. You must delve deeper, past the mess, the crust, the molten goo. You must deal with the hard stuff if you expect to see what that heart truly is like and then you will know if you love the whole heart (or person).

I have many layers to myself. The top layer is easy to like. I am a free spirited being, happy and positive, with lots of love to give. I enjoy helping and taking care of others. I have a deep passion for many things. Throughout my life Ive always helped others. Be it on a volunteer basis, learning in school or professional training. This is easy to lay out and present. Yes, I have all these years of trainings and service and giving. But, thats my top layer.

Now, after hitting 40 and having been through some relationships, I have learned a lot in life. What doesn’t break you, makes you. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Building strength and walls is another form of learning as we go. In my case, I have built up many walls that take a lot to break through. The reason? Time and time again, I let my soft heart get the best of me and a mans promise and sweet touch and tender kiss can get through a wall or two. But, it never fails, in the end, I end up alone. They see the true me, even if I was trying to be honest all along, they kept promising they are different. You lay your fears out and they act like its nothing. Yet when faced with the core of me, nobody can handle it. Then even some of my best traits that they loved become annoying to them. Why are you so positive all the time? Well, I decided to be that way. This doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, Im not sick and I haven’t been treated like garbage over and over. This doesn’t mean I haven’t had a rough life and was even brought back from the bring of death numerous time. This doesn’t mean I haven’t lost everything I owned multiple times and still, at 40, I don’t own enough to fill a house.

I choose to smile, to laugh, to appreciate. I choose to be as happy as can be and be positive. I choose not to be grumpy and complain about every pain. I just hope when I die, that somebody seen that, somewhere. See who I choose to be and not what Ive always been around or what you’d expect me to be.

See the real me. My Core. ❤

Losing a lifetime friend

By our 40’s we have all dealt with death and loss.

At the age of 14, I was informed the morning after Valentines Day that my friend had died in a horrific car wreck. This wasn’t just some kid I went to the same small school with, didn’t just go to church with, didn’t just live down the street from… this kid was an annoying bratty teen who picked on me only cause he wouldn’t allow anyone else to. He was the one mowing my yard because I was allergic to the freshly mowed grass. This was the kid who walked the country roads with me, having deep conversations. He was like the big brother I never had. Then he was gone.

Over the years, there was one thing you could count on more than anything. If I needed somebody to talk to, somewhere to escape to, somebody to cry to, I’d be sitting at his gravesite. I moved out of  state for about a decade but you better believe he was the one friend I always visited when I came back. Being there was my ‘safe place’. I could say anything and everything and he would never judge. He didn’t when he was alive either. But, I told him everything. I could actually verbalize every last horrible or wonderful detail.

After moving back, at the brink of 40, his actual sister came back into my life. We had always been friends but we were able to get closer and really talk. I began to feel like I didn’t necessarily have to go to a grave when I needed to talk, but maybe, just maybe, I could trust a living breathing soul! I  wanted to believe it, after all, it was his sister! We ended up being in the same field, so rubbed elbows a lot with each other and others who we mutually knew. I was excited to hang out with her and get to know this adult side better. She was more like a sister than a friend. I let myself open up. She used to love the memories I would share about her brother, just happy that people remember him and carry on his life.

That is until one night I said too much. After 26 years or so, and being super close to someone, you would think you could tell them anything. She still got jumpy over songs played at his funeral. I can understand that. A group of us had went out drinking and trying to have a good time. She got upset over a song and I followed her outside. I think I was more tipsy than I normally would get. We started talking about him and I don’t know how it got to the point where I revealed something I had never told her.

I confessed that another friend and I had snuck into the junkyard to see the car. Something inside me just needed to. What I saw that day burned into my memory and I will never forget. I seen the passenger side smashed from the entire front end, into the back  seat. Pairing that with the fact of what I had learned happened to him physically just almost mesmerized me. I knew his legs had been pushed up into him. I mean just imagine what would happen to a passenger if the whole front of the car ended up in the back seat. To make it worse, it was a flatbed trailer, just the metal of the truck is what was struck. I examined the whole car like a detective or something. I don’t think I even cried while looking over the scene. Then I seen it. Brain matter and blood on the car door. At first I didn’t know what it was. I am not sure when I realized what I had seen. Something just kicked in that day or snapped. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life yet but I knew it was helping people in some way.

Well, revealing those facts to her even on the brink of 40, made her snap. She was no longer my ‘sister’, my ‘friend’ or anything else. She deleted me and anybody close to me. The backlash she gave me was horrid. I didn’t remember the night but tried to communicate with her. But she was scornful and sour. Very bitter and unforgiving. No apologies could do anything. She only lashed out angry, hurtful things. Showing me I should’ve known better than open up to a ‘real’ person. I don’t know if I can totally understand her side. It wasn’t like I was trying to hurt her or anything. just revealing a fact that was decades old. She reacted like a ticking time bomb.

Back to my safe place. The only friend I know I will have my whole life and will never judge me. I don’t mind sitting on the cold ground talking to an old friend. I just wish I didn’t have to lose another one. This one kind of hurts worse because she doesn’t want to forgive. She just wants to blast insults and push me away. Even though she’s still alive, her brother is the only one I can confide in. She said she would always be there for me. But, Ive heard that line plenty of times. I will stick with the one who doesn’t care if I mess up or have skeletons in the closet.

That is one friend I will never truly lose because he lives on in my heart.

Learning true honesty

A love story and life lesson in one!

After 15 years of being married to one man (since the age of 18), the very thought of being single wasn’t even fathomable.

Although, this was it. Could not be topped after he cheated while deployed and even refused to quit seeing her. I guess a part of me could’ve fought harder if only he was sorry and said he wanted us. He wanted to wait till he got back to make a decision. I had plenty of time to think of all the ways that could destroy me. Save our base housing for him and her and throw me out? After moving states away for this man! Then I’d basically be forced to get out and leave my kids!? Oh No!!

I started visiting my best friend at the time who was a bartender. I felt skittish and shy just being in a bar without my husband. I knew it was over and I needed her help. I would sit at the bar and just bawl my eyes out.

But how? What? Where? I don’t know how to be single or survive. Honestly I didn’t even want to be in the civilian world. I was a very proud Army wife!

My friend was the all business type. A real problem solver. No time to sit around and whine. She took me shopping first and gave me tips to dress ‘not married’. This pushed my comfort zone a bit but honestly I needed the help. The biggest thing she did for me was help me get off base housing without him knowing. She helped me find an Apartment and even paid for a storage building for his stuff. Against her furious thoughts of burning his things, I wanted them packed and saved. Even packing a box of his ‘typical everyday’ clothes and putting up front. Yes, I was hurt but I also had to set an example for my girls.

We managed to get off post and get moved and start moving on. She even gave me a job where she was working.

One night that I wasn’t working but crying at the bar something unusual happened. This cute blonde haired, blue eyed, country boy Soldier came up to me. ME!

“That condensation on your bottle means your drinking to slow or I’m drinking to fast”, he said. I was still in shock he was talking to me! I was used to avoiding a mans eyes. I kinda laughed while he continued to play pool. Although, his next drink was sat next to mine as well as the pool cue when he wasn’t using it. I had no clue what to say or do and I was a mess.

After the cute little flirting, he asks what’s wrong. I couldn’t just open up so easily. Then he asked me to dance. That was probably one of the best dances of my life. I don’t know how he did it but he did get me to open up. My deployed husband and the cheating… I cried on this young Soldiers shoulder. He surprised me with his response. Blatant honesty about guys and Soldiers in particular. Told me how hey acted over there and some basic Soldiers ‘rules’ for living. I wanted to be mad but I looked in his soft blue eyes and knew he was being more honest with me than anyone I’d ever met. I enjoyed it more than I ever thought possible.

Over the next few weeks and months, I learned he was always 100%. Honest, without regard of feelings for the truth. This became something I admired with all my heart. I have tried to adapt it into my own life.

Pure honesty. It can hurt like the dickens but it can also make you feel curled up in a Soldiers hug on the dance floor.